Fetal Blood Sampling

So, our procedure was originally scheduled for 8/8, and then 2 weeks before was changed to 8/4. Then the time on 8/4 was changed twice until finally they changed it back to 8/8 because of a problem getting the donor platelets ready and washed in time for our procedure. To say it was frustrating is an understatement. Before the sample, I received 2 steroid shots (and got all the lovely side effects from them), had a double IVIG treatment, and gave tons of bloodwork. To say I was over getting stuck with needles is also an understatement... but I still had one more needle to go. The big one. The one that was going through my stomach and into my baby girl. To say I was anxious was the biggest understatement of all.

Because of our history, I made sure all of our hospital bags were packed, and the laundry was done, and there were plenty of groceries for the girls. Then I tried my best to sleep, which was pointless because my anxiety continued to get the best of me, pretty much making it impossible to get to sleep or stay asleep. 8am came quick, but I had been up... so I showered, Aaron got ready, and we got the girls downstairs where NaNa (Aaron's mom ) was waiting for them.  My mom was also there because she was coming to the hospital with us. You know what they say, no matter how old you get, sometimes you just need your Mom. The girls love our moms, so they were so excited. I was having all of the emotions when saying good-bye to them, thinking it might be the last time it was just my 2 girls. I hugged them extra tight and they gave the best hugs, and kisses back to me and baby sister. At that point, I really thought that I'd be introducing them to their sister the next time we were all together.

We arrived at the hospital around 9:45am which is when we were told to be there but we had to then wait another hour in the waiting room--which was not good for that anxiety I was telling you about. I kept thinking something was wrong with the platelets or the anesthesia or the OR was double booked. Finally they brought us back, I got changed, they put in my IV, took more bloodwork, attached my heart rate monitors, took my blood pressure, and then we waited. The sonographer and my doctor came in to do an initial assessment of baby girl's size and position. She was measured to be around 5.5 pounds and not in the best position for the procedure. They also checked her for bleeds and everything looked good in that area which was very relieving. They left and said hopefully she will be in a better position once we got to the OR. An anesthesiologist also came in, asked me a bunch of questions, and explained I would only get an epidural if needed. They were going to try using "twilight" and some anxiety medicine on me to see if they could keep me calm throughout the procedure, and not start contracting like last time. It made sense but it just wasn't what I was told or had prepared myself for so I was a little bit upset about the change. So many doctors, nurses, and students were coming in and out of our room, that when it finally died down and we were getting ready to walk back, it felt too quiet. The kind of quiet that left me alone with too many thoughts. Thoughts I didn't want to be left alone with. Thankfully, it didn't last long, Aaron got into his scrubs, we hugged my mom good-bye, and the anesthesiologist and nurses walked us back into the OR.

The Procedure
If you've ever been in an OR, you'll know that it's cold and super bright and can be very intimidating. I got onto the table, and they started draping me, hooking me up to things, and asking questions, and it seemed like everyone was talking all at once and I was feeling very overwhelmed. Aaron was right beside me the whole time, and did a great job keeping me out of my own head. The sonographer started looking at baby girl, and they found that she was actually in a better position than she had been previously. When they are looking at her position they want to see that there is an optimal way to access the large vein that runs through her liver. It's called the intrahepatic vein. That is the vein they need access to in order to retrieve a blood sample that will provide the most accurate platelet reading. With Mackenzie she was not in an optimal position to access that vein so after some maneuvering they went for the umbilical cord. There's actually much more risk involved if you have to puncture the cord, so we were very pleased to hear they wouldn't have to go that route this time.

The sonographer had to switch sides so that my doctor could access the side of my stomach where she could more easily access the vein. After they got themselves all situated, I was given the "twilight" meds, which definitely calmed me down pretty much instantly. I was holding Aaron's hand, and he was telling me what was going on because I didn't want to look. They gave the baby a anesthetic that kind of put her to sleep, so she wouldn't move during the procedure. Because of the meds, I actually drifted off to sleep a few times too, and they had to wake me to tell me I needed to breathe more shallowly because my deep sleep breathing was moving my stomach too much and making it harder to get the needle in a good position. After they started I could tell something was wrong because I could feel the pressure of the needle going in many, many times, prodding around, and puncturing through my uterus, but wasn't hearing any results. I just heard my doctor asking what was going on, and why is this happening. And it hurt, a lot. I was trying not to act like it hurt but I guess I wasn't very good at that because the anesthesiologist gave me more meds, and was Aaron was wiping my tears away for me.  I can't even really describe how it feels, but it's so uncomfortably painful and the whole time you're being told not to move, or breathe too hard, or cough because there's a needle in your baby. It's extremely scary, and a lot of pressure to be put under. 

Aaron told me that every time my doctor put the needle in, they would pull it up and no fluid or blood would be drawn out. It was literally empty over and over again. My doctor and one of the anesthesiologists started to have a little bit of an argument about why it was happening and he suggested a new tactic of approach. My doctor apparently did not think that was plausible, politely corrected him and continued on. At this point we had been in there for over an hour, and I was in a decent amount of pain each time the needle was reinserted, so the anesthesiologist actually called another doctor behind my doctor's back to assist. She reeeeeeealllly didn't like that and dismissed the other doctor immediately, but she did change needles. Talk about awkward...  The matched platelets that they secured for the infusion are only viable for 2 hours once they reach the OR, so the nurse was constantly reminding my doctor of that fact as well.

Finally, right at the 2 hour mark they secured 2 different samples. The first was 93,000 and the second was 102,000!!!!!!!!!! I literally couldn't even believe it when I heard. I must have asked Aaron to repeat it at least 5 times. Mackenzie's sample was only 5,000, so I had prepared myself for that kind of result again. I looked at Aaron and I could tell he was so happy, that just made me feel so happy, and grateful. As happy as we were, it's still not as high as they'd like her platelets to be, so they infused the donor platelets to ensure she would have over 300,000 which is a more "normal" count. They wheeled me into recovery, and Aaron and I just hugged and thanked God that this time around was smoother, and we had better results. As I said I was very happy, but the biggest feeling I had was relief. Relieved that she was alive and healthy, relieved that I was alive and healthy, and relieved that it was over. Aaron went to get my poor Mom who had been waiting over 2 hours for a procedure she was told would only be around 30 minutes long. She came back and she was so excited to see that I was okay and to hear that the baby was doing well also. I was really excited to see her as well, and get a big hug- the kind only your Mom can give you.

Recovery
I stayed in recovery for around 3.5 hours while they monitored the baby to make sure she was waking up from the anesthesia given to her, and they monitored the mild contractions I was having. Once the contractions slowed down, the cramping I was having subsided, and I was able to show I could eat and not vomit, and use the bathroom they said I could go home to rest. My doctor came by to clear me, and told me I better take it easy. She knows I never do and was very adamant that I let Aaron help me, and that I lay down. If I have any cramping or contractions I would need to come back, but she said she felt confident that everything was completely fine. I was worried about my placenta, but my doctor said that my placenta was untouched during the procedure, and looked very healthy. I'm still worried about it of course, but I don't think that will ever go away. 

We scheduled our C-section for Thursday, August 17th and while discussing that with our doctor I asked about a possible NICU stay as well. She said it most likely won't be necessary, and that I get to room-in with my baby. That's something I've never gotten to do, and the feelings of joy I had in that moment were overwhelming. As long as everything goes smoothly, I'll get to hold my baby girl, free of monitors and just be normal. Maybe that seems silly to some, but I can't wait. 

We went home, and the girls were so happy to see us which was just icing on the cake. They were squealing and running around like crazy. I told them their baby sister was doing really well and they would get to meet her very soon. Something I didn't expect was how Isabelle reacted when I showed her the needle punctures on my belly. She became very upset, and the look on her face was devastating. Her feelings of empathy for me, and baby sister overwhelmed her and she did not really know how to handle it. We reassured her that Mommy was okay, and baby sister was okay too. I told her that it was just sore like a boo-boo, and she eventually was okay. She kissed my belly, and gave me a giant hug. Her kind heart, deep feelings, and sweetness never cease to amaze me. 

Today I've been on bed rest, with minimal activity. I'm very sore on the right side of my belly where the needles went in, I've been battling a headache, and I'm just overall exhausted. But the girls have been great, Aaron's been amazing, and our close friends and family have been lovely. The love and support I've felt over the past few days has lifted me up when I was feeling down, held me there when I wanted to fall, and helped me get through a challenging time. I'm so grateful for you all. Thank you for being so wonderful.

One more infusion. One more week. We can't wait to meet her!!!!!

 

Updates! Double Treatments, FBS & C-Sections-- Oh My!

I've been meaning to write this post for a few weeks now, but we have been so busy!!  Since I last updated you all, we've been on all sorts of summer adventures including the beach, carnivals, pool days, zoo fun, and lots of outside play time at the park. I've never been this pregnant in the summer, so these adventures are a lot more exhausting than I expected them to be.  My waddle is in full force, and my Mom's pool and all places with air conditioning are my best friends.  Props to all you Mommas who have experienced your third trimester in the Summer.  It's definitely easier to be full-on pregnant in the Winter, in my opinion.

 

We also had a small sprinkle with close friends and family, and their generosity and excitement for our little girl really touched our hearts. Sometimes with your 3rd baby, it can feel like people aren't as excited for your family, or kind of forget that you even are pregnant.  We are equally excited for this baby girl as we have been for our first two, so it was really nice to celebrate her pending arrival with others who are just as excited for us. Something that hit me harder than I thought it would was the absence of my Grandma. She loved my girls so much, and would have loved that I was having another girl.  Not having her at the gender reveal to cry tears of joy that it was a girl, or at our sprinkle to share in our excitement was something that I had to quietly deal with.  It just breaks my heart that this little girl in my belly will never know the unconditional love of my Grandma. I know she is looking down, happy as can be for us, bragging to all her friends up there... and I can take comfort in that.  She is and always will be our girls' guardian angel.

Well, after finally adjusting to my single dose IVIG treatments and feeling as though my side effects were low, and finally feeling like we were in a good rhythm, they DOUBLED them. YAY (that's a sarcastic YAY)!!! This is a different plan from my pregnancy with Mackenzie, but since her platelet counts were so low with single dose IVIG, the thinking is that doubling the dose of IVIG will hopefully protect this baby's platelets more effectively. The fact is, they don't know if it will work, and in fact they still don't know why the single dose didn't work for Mackenzie's platelet count.  So, it's kind of just, let's try this and see what happens, which is super scary.  As long as it prevents brain/belly bleeds it is considered by all a success, so while high platelet counts are great, no bleeds is the ultimate goal!

The double treatments were a pain in the butt to get approved, and still weren't approved the Friday before my first Sunday infusion. The home-infusion center I work with was having a really hard time getting confirmation from the doctor assigned to my case.  The doctor listed on the orders was not my doctor, so after lots of back and forth between everyone I had to call my doctor, and she took care of it for us.  Then we ran into another issue because the pharmacist from the home-infusion company told me that I couldn't have both bags of IVIG in one day, which was in direct conflict with what my doctor had told me.  I was told to try it in one day and see how I felt and if I could not handle it, they would split it into 2 days.  So the run-around of phone calls began again, until finally they agreed to send me both bags of my medicine with a stern warning from the pharmacist that I could have severe side effects, including a fluid overload which could cause thrombocytopenia.  So, that was comforting.

 

The actual infusion itself is really long, anywhere from 10-12 hours depending on the vein used. We really love our nurse, so while the length of the infusion is annoying she is so sweet and fun to be around so that makes things better. For my first double infusion she got the girls a bubble machine to pass some of the time, and the girls LOVED it.  She is always willing to go outside, or play with the girls or clean up their messes and I'm so grateful for her.  It has been increasingly more difficult to get a good vein at this point after over 20 infusions. My veins are flattening out, changing shape, and rolling away.  The past few infusions I was stuck multiple times, usually the 3rd time being the charm. By the time we find a good, plump vein it's usually in an uncomfortable spot that kinks a lot, or hurts throughout the infusion.  I just suck it up and try my best not to complain because there isn't usually another option and we need to get the infusion started.  I've also had my IV/vein blown out accidentally (thanks Aaron!), or they start to leak and then my IV needs to be changed in the middle of an infusion also. I only have 2 more infusions, so here's to hoping my veins will cooperate. 

 The side effects have me back at square one, where I pretty much feel like crap from Sunday-Wednesday.  My headaches are barely manageable during the 24 hours following the infusion, and try to linger for multiple days.  I'm getting flu-like symptoms for at least a day, sometimes two and all of this is in addition to the normal aches and pains of being 8.5 months pregnant. Even with all of that I still really enjoy being pregnant.  It will never, ever get old to feel life moving inside of you. It's such an amazing thing to experience.

I know I've said it before, but I really try my best not to let it affect my life as much as I can.  I try my best not to complain, I still go outside, go to the pool, and play monsters and hide and seek with my girls.  They understand that Mommy's medicine for the baby makes me feel sick, and they are so sweet about it-- especially Izzie. She is always telling me "It's okay Mommy... you're okay," accompanied by lots of cuddles and kisses.  And thank God for Aaron, because he makes sure the girls are quiet so I can rest or plays with them when I just can't.  He is the best Daddy, and husband and I definitely could not make it through all of this without him. But when I'm feeling exhausted, or sick I also feel guilty for not being the best I can be for the girls, and even more guilty that I may be upsetting them because I'm different than normal Mommy. So for the most part, I just push through because I don't want to miss out on making memories with them, and I don't want them to feel that I don't want to play with them.

 

So up next for us is our Fetal Blood Sampling this Friday. It's the same procedure that I had with Mackenzie to check her platelet count, and it was literally the worst experience of my life.  I ended up having extreme back labor contractions throughout the procedure, and it brought on real labor and then a placenta abruption, followed by an emergency C-section for which I was knocked out. So to say that I'm anxious for this time around is an extreme understatement. We are taking some extra precautions this time around, including an epidural for me in case I start contracting again. I am also getting steroid shots beforehand to help mature baby girl's lungs.  I'll be observed and monitored closely after the procedure with an option to stay the night just to be safe.  During the procedure, my doctor will insert a very long needle into the baby's main vein that runs through the liver, and extract a blood sample. The sample will literally be run over to the lab and the platelet results will be ready pretty much instantly.  During the platelet reading, the needle will stay in my stomach, in the baby's vein and matched platelets will be on hand to infuse in case her platelet count is low. If her platelet count is normal, then I continue with home IVIG treatments until my planned C-section in 2 weeks.  If the platelets are low, I will reschedule a C-section for within 1 week because that's about how long the matched platelets would last in baby girl's blood after an infusion.  Whatever the outcome of the sampling is, we are just praying that our baby girl is born healthy, with NO BLEEDS, however/whenever that happens.

As always, we feel so blessed to have so many people supporting our family, and following our journey.  We appreciate all the thoughts, well wishes, and prayers that are said for us. Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts. I will try to update the blog again after our procedure on Friday.

Baby #3--Treatments, Gender, and Everything in Between

I pretty much knew I was pregnant as soon as it happened, and so Aaron picked up a test on his way home and boom... there it was! A big plus sign, just staring at me. I'm not going to lie, I burst into tears and was unsure how to feel or what my tears meant to me.. Aaron was so happy, excited, and reassuring so that helped me to sort out my own feelings, and think about what a blessing this little baby would be. Still, I've felt anxiety pretty much everyday since we found out. Anxiety, worry, and fear about what's going on inside of me, and I'm sure I will feel these feelings until I deliver our baby.

We immediately told our moms, and had our 8 week appointment, after which we told a few more family members and close friends. Our family and friends were all very supportive, and sweet, but there were some that also expressed some concern. With our history, their concerns were valid, and we knew we would run into them because we obviously had concerns too.  Our doctor was very helpful and addressed any and all concerns we had, so armed with information and confirmations it was easier to talk through any concerns that our close friends and family had.

Most of the concerns we talked about with our doctor were pertaining to the health of our unborn child, and myself. It was decided that I would start the IVIG treatment at 12 weeks, doubling my treatments around 30 weeks and perhaps pairing that with an oral steroid. This plan is different than what I had with Mackenzie, as I just had the same amount of IVIG throughout that pregnancy, and I had no steroids. My doctor really wants to try to give me the least amount of steroids possible because the side effects for me can be long-lasting, and sometimes dangerous. We will have regular sonograms again to check for brain and belly bleeds in the baby, and also to check my placenta because of my abruption. As of now we are planning on having another FBS (fetal blood sampling) to check this baby's platelets at 34 weeks, and praying that the sample shows high platelets and I can go until 36 weeks and deliver the baby then. I'm going to have another C-section as recommended by our doctor.

So as of today, I've had 14 treatments-mostly on Sundays- and it's slowly has become my normal. I was able to start my infusions at a higher rate than last time... so my treatments generally last from 7am-2pm. The first few were torture, with all the wonderful side effects. Migraines, exhaustion, flu like symptoms, and dry itchy skin. The first one was so bad I had to miss a day of work. Until the last few treatments I was having debilitating migraines, and feeling like crap from Sunday to Wednesday. They've definitely gotten better, or more tolerable I should say. My migraines have lessened to headaches, and I start feeling better by Tuesday now. It's definitely not my favorite thing to do, but it's necessary for a healthy baby, and I have to do it. I would do all this and more for a healthy baby. And even though I am so beyond exhausted,  I have to continue to live my life too. I promised myself I wouldn't miss out on things because of treatment, and that I would just tough it out as much as I could. I've actually probably done way too much after treatments, but it is what it is, and I don't want to miss out. 

My nurse, Maggie,  has been really amazing, and I feel lucky to have her. She loves my girls, and brings them presents pretty much every time she comes. My veins are hard to find, still recovering from my last pregnancy's treatments, so it's so scary every time I need to get the IV.  She reassures me that she will find a viable vein (and she does!), and has accommodated my schedule demands by coming on Saturdays a few times. She even came with me to Isabelle's Opening Day for t-ball so that I wouldn't have to miss it. I had my IV in, and my portable pump, and she stayed close just in case. I was able to walk with her in the parade, and watch her have the best time marching, and holding her banner. That was pretty awesome, and although I'm sure people noticed my IV, no one really said anything so that was nice too. I didn't want it to be about that. I just wanted Izzie to have her day, and I wanted to be there. I'm so glad I was able to be there.

My girls are doing amazing, and both are very excited to be big sisters. Isabelle can't wait, she is crazy about her new sibling. She kisses my belly everyday, talks to the baby, and always wants to know, "What's my baby doing?" Izzie also likes to tell everyone that she also has a baby in her belly-- 2 actually-- a boy and a girl.  Obviously Mackenzie doesn't fully understand, but she still pats, hugs, and kisses my belly all the time.  She says "baby" and tries to give my belly button her pacifier.  They are so sweet during my treatments; always asking if I'm okay, helping my nurse take my blood pressure and temperature, and asking questions about my IV.  They know that I am getting a needle to get medicine to the baby, and that it helps her to stay healthy. They aren't phased by anything that goes on during treatment anymore, and I guess you could say the weekly visits from Maggie have become their normal also.

We recently found out that Baby Wright is a girl!! We were so happy when we got the news, and not at all disappointed as some people suggested we should be.  I know it's such a cliché, but for us, with our history, we really ONLY care if our baby is healthy.  This baby already has so much to overcome before she is even born, and worrying about her gender just seems so silly in the grand scheme of things.  And honestly some of the things people said to us about her being a girl were kind of hurtful--especially the implication that "Poor Aaron" should be the one who is really upset.  I assure you, "Poor Aaron" is extremely excited, and hasn't stopped smiling since we found out.  She is amazing already, she is a little fighter, and we are overjoyed that she will be joining our family. 

I really cannot believe that soon I will be a Momma of 3 girls.  I feel so many feelings daily about this pregnancy, about this precious little life inside of me. I already love her so much, and I cannot wait to meet her.  This pregnancy has seemed to go fast and slow all at the same time.  Obviously some days/weeks are harder than others, but I have the absolute best support system out there.  I am so grateful that so far everything has gone well, baby girl is healthy, and I am too.  Thanks for reading, and supporting our family.  I will post another update again soon!!

My sweet, sassy little miracle is 3!

Your 3rd birthday is almost over, and I'm sitting here staring at you while you sleep. It's a quiet moment, and this kind of moment is hard to come by nowadays.  It's a moment I'll never get back, and  I just keep thinking about how fast time flew by.  I remember 12/12/13 like it was yesterday, and now you're 3.  How did that happen? They say the days are long, but the years are short.. and it's so, so true.  You came into this world fast, and crazy, and you haven't slowed down since. 

 

I thank God for you every single night; he blessed me so much by choosing me to be your Momma.  I thank Him for all the little things that make up who you are.  People call you "strong-willed," or "energetic."  But there is so much more to you than just that.
You are silly.  So, so silly.  Your giggle is infectious, and you are always ready for a tickle fight, jokes, and goofy faces. You love to make other people laugh, and sometimes you don't even realize how funny you are. 

 

You are musical.  You love to sing, and dance and you always want someone to join in so they can have as much fun as you are.  You've got the beat, the rhythm, and the lyrics down to most songs before adults do.

 

You are sweet, loving, and kind.  You care deeply about other's feelings, and get very upset if you feel you've hurt someone.  You give out endless kisses and tell your sister, Daddy and me "I love you SOOOO much," more times than I can count.  You love to give hugs, too.  And you're always down for a high five.  

You're inquisitive, and adventurous.  You love to try new things, run wild, and you're always asking "Why?"  You're ready to climb up anything, or try to jump off of things, and give Momma a heart attack. 

 

You are so intelligent. You love to count, read, and learn new things. You amaze me with how much you pick up, how many things you learn daily, and how quickly you do so.  And not just letters, numbers, and words.  You know when you're being tricked into something, and give really good points when you're debating with me about something you don't think is right. 

 

And you are strong...  In every sense of the word.  I especially thank Him for making sure you were and are so strong.  Strong enough to kick NAIT's butt. Strong enough to be a guardian angel here on Earth for your little sister.  And strong enough to give me a run for my money. 

This past year, you've grown and learned so much. You were potty trained.  You played soccer for the first time.  Your vocabulary has grown exponentially.  You've gotten into dramatic/pretend play, and your imagination is growing! You are taller, your hair is longer, and your attitude is bigger.  But, I think of all the things that you've done this past year, my favorite thing to see is how amazing you've been as a big sister.  I'm amazed at how well you've handled the transition.  You are loud, adventurous, and full of energy.  With a baby sister, you're sometimes told you need to stifle those qualities for a moment or two.  "Be quiet, the baby is sleeping".  Or... "Not right now, you have to wait".  Or... "Kenzie can't do that yet, you need to give her space". And yes, there are times when you push her over because she's too close to your toys, or accidentally fall over her during one of your dance offs with Daddy, or try to ride on her back because "Kenny wants to be a horsey." 

But most of the time you are the best big sister anyone could have.  Your "Kenny Benny Boo Boo," is your favorite person to hug, kiss, and hold.   Watching you two together is my all-time favorite thing to do, ever.  You can see the love, and closeness between the two of you, and it's so sweet. You can do something silly that makes Mackenzie belly laugh harder than anyone else can make her laugh.  You give her hugs and kisses when she is sad.  You randomly give her hugs, and kisses too.  You hold her hand, and try your best to keep her safe.  You help feed her, and pick out her clothes for the day.  You sing her to sleep and tell her "It's okay Kenny, I'm right here.". These things, they melt me.  Into an blubbering mess that makes your Daddy snicker at me (as if he didn't just melt too).  I know you'll always be there for her, and she for you. I'm so proud of the wonderful big sister you are.  Just so darn proud.

In fact, Miss Isabelle Grace, my big, beautiful 3 year old girl...I'm just so proud of everything that you are.  You test my patience daily, you love me unconditionally, and you fill my life with such utter joy, and magic that I don't really remember who I was before you came along. I only know that I am better now than I was before you existed. Thank you so much for making me a Momma.  I love you more than words can express.  You are my silly, musical, sweet, loving, kind, inquisitive, adventurous, intelligent, strong little girl.  You are my miracle, and I can only hope that you see yourself the way I do as you grow up.  I hope you know how strong you are, and how much you have to offer this world.  Happy Birthday to you, I love you always baby girl.

Worth it!

It's been 6 months since my last post, which means Mackenzie is 6 months old!!!  I really cannot believe how fast time has flown by.  I feel as though I blinked and she was a half a year old.  She is super happy and healthy as can be--no platelet issues or anything else major.  She is growing like crazy and I swear she does something new everyday.  She loves to growl and scream.  She loves people, especially her big sister Isabelle.  She loves to laugh and explore, and Aaron and I love to watch her curiosity and development.  Her smile can light up any room and her giggle is amazing.  When she looks at me with her big, beautiful eyes I feel the purest love deep down into my soul.  Aaron and I are so happy and feel extremely blessed to have 2 wonderful little girls to call our own.

 

A little while back I saw a little baby coverall that simply said "Worth it." I looked at it for a few minutes and thought about my experiences with Isabelle and more recently with Mackenzie.  I've been asked this innocent rhetorical question by more than a few people, but it was a question that stirred me up inside.  They'd ask, "It was worth it, right?" Or "At least it was worth it?" Or the more direct people simply ask, "Was it worth it?" It came in different forms, but everyone meant the same thing... Was SHE worth it? Was my beautiful, healthy baby girl worth it? It seems like such a silly thing to even ask. And I'm not even sure if the people who've asked had thought about the implication.  So, the question is, was she worth it? A resounding "Yes." No matter what, happened, YES! I can't even imagine my life without this gorgeous little nugget!

The more people mentioned it to me, the more I thought about just how "worth it" it was to bring this miracle into the world. But it also made me think, that while I had a difficult pregnancy with a rare disorder, we had really been so blessed. Mackenzie survived and thrived despite the odds against her.  I thought about how every pregnancy brings its own challenges, and at the end of the day, those challenges ARE worth it, because you get to bring home that tiny human who gives you amnesia about all the hard stuff you had to endure before they arrived. Then I thought about the women who don't bring their babies home. How incredibly hard, heartbreaking, and indescribable that must be. I wondered what those women would say.  I know my pregnancy isn't the worst case scenario, but it was my scenario, and my struggle and I can only comment on my experience.  Thinking about all of this, I began to feel even more blessed and more compelled to cherish both of my girls. Which also led me to buy that "Worth it" coverall and write this to you on your half-birthday, Mackenzie Michelle. My miracle girl, my sunshine, my baby.

 

Mackenzie wearing that coverall, surrounded by my treatment IVs.

 

You are more than worth it, my dear. Every needle prick. Every IV. Every blood draw. Every infusion. Every. Single. One. (There were a lot). Every collapsed vein. Every headache. Every nauseous moment. Every fatigued muscle and every single sleepless night. The terrifying memories of delivery--worth it. The scar on my belly, that I've just recently come to terms with--worth it. You, you beautiful tiny soul, you were worth it all. I would do it all over again, a thousand times just to see your smile. I'd have 100 more infusions just to hear your belly laugh. I'd cut open my flesh again and again just to hold you close and feel your tiny little fingers wrap around mine. I would do anything for you. 



And another, because look at that face!

 

You're already growing so fast. One day you'll no longer be a baby. One day you'll be a little girl, a teenager, an adult, a wife, a mom-- if that's what you choose. And your future is also what makes it worth it. It's worth it to see you grow, to see you live and love, and be the amazing person I know you'll be.  I'm so excited for your life.  I'm so excited to see it all unfold.  I hope we will always share the special bond that we have now.  I'll always be here for you, encouraging you and loving you. 

 

 

So baby girl, please always remember you were worth it all. And that you ARE worthy. Worthy of everything good that life has to offer. You can do anything, be anything, accomplish anything. You are truly one of God's miracles. Thank you so much for being mine. You've taught me how strong I can be, and I hope you always remember just how strong and special you are.  I love you beyond words, beyond limits, beyond time. 
 

Happy 6 months.  Your life is just beginning.  Let's make every moment worth it.

Love,

Momma❤️ 

Mackenzie's Birth Story

First of all, Aaron and I would like to say thank you for all of your amazing support, well wishes and prayers. It meant more to us than you could know and we are blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you. ❤️

After weighing the options of being induced or going home, we decided that the pros far outweighed any cons to just be induced and have our baby as soon as possible. Our thinking was that we knew her platelets were up in a normal range for the moment, and that if we went home... I could still go into labor at any time and we would have no idea what the platelet count was at that point. I was already at the hospital, already contracting and the NICU doctor who came to talk to us gave us a really good outlook for babies born at 34 weeks. So we stayed the night to be monitored and then around 4pm on Friday, I was induced. 

I was given pitocin to elicit contractions and started at a really low rate because of all of the contractions I was already having. We kept running into problems because Baby Girl's heart rate was fluctuating a lot especially if I sat up. A team of doctors and nurses would rush into the room, move me all around, put oxygen on me and try to get the baby's heart rate to stabilize. Eventually they asked me to get an epidural just in case anything emergent were to happen so I did. It wasn't pleasant, but I needed to get it in place with all the heart rate stuff going on.  I was mildly concerned that my epidural was not working correctly because only one side of me was getting numb. An epidural is gravity based so when I was laying on my left side, my left leg should have been numb, but instead my right leg was numb. The nurses and the resident assured me that when it came time they would be able to get both sides numb before I would have to push. 

My cervix wasn't really dilating even with the pitocin, so they upped it and also decided to give me a balloon catheter to expand my cervix artificially. Well... That didn't work. It hurt terribly and actually made me start bleeding. The resident who performed the procedure said she did get me to 2 cm and softened my cervix, so it wasn't a total bust! My nurse watched the bleeding and it was minimal so they weren't worried. 

After that, things were really quiet. We watched tv, hung out with my nurse-- who was such a cool girl-- and just waited. Around midnight, my mom, Aaron and I got ready for bed. My nurse said she hoped I'd deliver around 6 or 7am before she got off so she could meet my daughter. I joked that I would have her at 2am instead, so be prepared. I went to sleep and at 1:58 the team of doctors and nurse came rushing in, woke me up and said that Baby Girl's heart rate was way too low. They put oxygen on me and tried to reposition me, which was hard because my legs were numb from the epidural and eventually I was asked to get on all fours and they started ripping my leg massagers off, storing my catheter and throwing blankets over me and they started wheeling me into the hallway. They told Aaron I had to get an emergency C-section and I watched his face drop as another doctor was telling me the same thing and tears were rolling down my face. As I was being rolled away from my mom and Aaron, they told him to follow and quickly get into his scrubs. 

Once I was in the OR, the doctors and nurses were moving so quickly that I began to freak out. They were saying things like "She needs to get out now! Numb her NOW!" The anesthesiologist was doing prick tests on me to see what I could feel, and I could feel everything. The doctors were ready to cut so they said there was no time and I'd have to be knocked out. So I was put under and I was intubated. Baby Girl was born at 2:06am, limp and needing assistance. They very quickly got her to breathe and cry and rushed her to the NICU. Because of the emergent nature of my delivery, after she was born, they had to x-ray my body cavity to make sure nothing had been left inside of me and I had to get antibiotics because of the lack of scrub time.

Aaron was not allowed in the OR because they had to put me under general anesthesia... But no one had told him anything.  He was really upset and had been outside in the OR hallway, pacing because they hadn't updated him. Finally they told him, they were sorry, that he hadn't been allowed back because of the emergency conditions of my C-section, citing the general anesthesia needed for me, but that the baby was delivered and she was crying which was a good thing because it meant she was breathing!

I don't remember anything until I got to the recovery room and saw Aaron and my nurse and I was still really out of it. My nurse explained how the C-section went and the anesthesiologist came to explain why they had to put me under and he took my epidural out. I was given pain medicine via IV and waited for the doctor to come in to tell me why the emergency C-section was necessary. Apparently I had a placental abruption that caused the baby's heart rate to drop drastically. My placenta was prematurely detaching (and in my case shredding) from my uterus. Essentially I was bleeding heavily from the inside of my stomach and making it extremely difficult for Baby Girl to get any oxygen which left her very unstable. It happened very suddenly and without warning but the team of doctors and nurses were amazing and saved my life and our baby girl's life. The doctor told me that because it was such a large and sudden abruption,  if I had been at home, I could have bled out and baby girl and I would most likely have died. 

That statement and the craziness of my delivery was hard on us all. My mom had to go back to our room because she was so upset that she became ill. Aaron and I just sat there and cried. We were so grateful to God, that with everything that went wrong, the outcome was still a good one. I was alive. Baby Girl was alive. We were struggling a little bit, but we were alive. 

It was extremely bizarre to look down and realize my pregnant belly wasn't there anymore and I was very overwhelmed with many different emotions. I felt happiness that they said our baby was doing well, pain and sadness about the way it happened, guilt for being the reason we had to have the emergency c-section and excitement to finally meet her.  It had been 5 hours since our little girl was born and I hadn't been able to see her yet... So that emotion was taking over the others! 

I was still pretty out of it, my legs were still numb but the nurses wheeled my whole bed over to the NICU so we could see her. She was in an isolette with tubes, IVs, monitors and a facemask on to assist her with her breathing. The only part of her I could touch was her tiny, little hand. It almost didn't feel real, as if she wasn't really mine. I cried and told her how much I loved her already.  Aaron's huge hands made her look even tinier and seeing them together filled my heart up to the top.  We held her hand together and just sat in the moment; a quiet, happy moment that was just ours.  

My mom came back too and was able to see her beautiful grand baby and she was so happy.  I wanted so badly to hold her and it really upset me that I couldn't. They reassured me that I would be able to soon and that had to be enough for now.  We officially named her, Mackenzie Michelle Wright, blew her kisses and repeated how much we loved her and went back to our room. 

The very next time we went back to the NICU, they allowed us to hold her and honestly that's when it felt real for me. She was real, she was alive and she was ours. I began talking to her and Mackenzie recognized my voice, looked up at me and gave me a little half smile. Tears fell, my heart just about exploded and I knew that it had all been worth it. 

As of now, Mackenzie still has a tube down her throat to drain any excess swallowed blood from my placenta abruption, and she is receiving IV nutrition.  Her breathing is still shallow, but she isn't gasping for air anymore so her breathing mask has been removed. She's doing well overall and her platelet counts have been amazing. Isabelle has come to visit Momma and Daddy but hasn't been able to visit her baby sister yet. We've showed her videos and pictures and she really liked them. We need her immunizations record faxed over and couldn't get them until Monday, so by Wednesday she should be able to meet her and we cannot wait!!! I'm doing well also, obviously tired and sore-- I'm waiting to hear about a blood transfusion because my blood counts have all been low. But considering everything, my doctors are pleased with my progress. 

Thank you all once again for your amazing support, we love you all and are so very happy to be a family of 4 now. 💙💜💗💗