All the Worries in the World... and then a Pandemic

It’s no secret. I’m a worrier. I’m an anxious person and most of the time I would consider myself to have high-functioning anxiety.  Being pregnant is already a very worrisome time for most women. You worry if they’re healthy, about how many times they’ve kicked today. You worry about what you eat, especially if all you’re craving is sweets or things with too much salt. Am I exercising enough? Am I exercising too much? Is it normal to feel like this? What is happening to my boobs?? So. Many. Worries.

Being a NAIT mom just adds to list of worries in a very scary way. Are they alive? Are they bleeding? Am I killing them slowly or are they strong enough to fight me off? Is treatment working to prevent bleeds? Being a NAIT mom of twins is similar, except the little information that they have on singleton NAIT pregnancies is cut down to literally nothing for twin NAIT pregnancies. Ask a question, any question to a world renowned doctor about NAIT twins and their answer is almost always, “We don’t know.” Super reassuring in case you were wondering.

Besides all of these worries that I’ve been carrying on my back since I found out we were pregnant, there just so happens to be a worldwide pandemic happening as well. Since our state was declared in a State of Emergency, restrictions have gotten tougher across the board. Being forced into quarantine and extreme social distancing is absolutely necessary and vital to kick this pandemic’s ass and stay healthy. However, being pregnant, it has been both a blessing some days and a curse on other days. I am enjoying being able to lay in my bed longer in the morning, pee whenever I want and spend quality time with my big girls. Another bonus, I don’t have to wear a bra all day and I can live in leggings or pajama pants.

On the flip side, it has been very lonely. This is my last pregnancy and I dreamed of all of the things I would do, how I would capture it and celebrate this final chapter of this part of my life. Obviously most of the social things I wanted to do, I really can’t.  My own mother can’t come see me and if she does, she can’t touch my belly when I feel a big kick or hug me when I’m feeling defeated. My pregnant friends can’t commiserate with me and we can’t have pregnant girls nights like I imagined when I found out we were all pregnant together. I don’t get to see my co-workers and my students and receive that extra special attention that only pregnant ladies get. My brothers and my Dad haven’t seen me in person in weeks and I haven’t been able to share any of my pregnancy with my sister-in-laws either. My sweet grandmother and my extended family can’t celebrate with me or come to a baby sprinkle.  All of these things may seem trivial and in the grand scheme of things, yes they are... but that doesn’t really make me feel any better. This is my last pregnancy and my last chance to share it with my loved ones, and I can’t. That feeling sucks. It’s something I think about often. I also think about how devastating it could be if I caught the virus... not only for me, but for Aaron, the girls and the twins. The worries literally never stop.

Aaron has been working nonstop trying to get his house flips finished with little to no workers due to essential worker restrictions, leaving me to chase, or should I say waddle, after these crazy ladies I live with by myself. There are some days that by noon, I’m done. My back hurts, my Braxton Hicks are out of control and I just want to cry. And there are other days that I’m so incredibly happy and fulfilled getting to stay home with them every day. I’ll never get these days back and I’m especially grateful for my time with Izzie who would normally be at school. I’m loving all the extra kisses, hugs, snuggles and giggles, especially because life is about to change for them in a big way. My biggest challenge is juggling my responsibilities as a teacher with my responsibilities to my family and honestly some days I feel like I’m failing at both. I’m required to teach live on Zoom 5 days a week, have virtual office hours, collaborative planning meetings and prep for the following day. Then I also help Izzie with her school work, take care of the house and try to get nesting type things ready for the twins. I also do my best to make sure the little girls feel paid attention to and involved as well. It’s a lot. And I can handle it. But it’s a lot.

I think the thing that has been giving me the most anxiety and making me the most upset is thinking about my Fetal Blood Sampling and my delivery. At my last baby appointment, Aaron was not allowed to accompany me due to the strict Covid visiting rules. My appointments are at the hospital and I was freaking out about someone breathing on me or touching me. My sister-in-law, Jules secured me a mask and I brought gloves and sanitizer. It was so eerie. The hospital that I’m used to visiting was not there. The hustle and bustle of nurses, doctors and patients was non-existent. I went through multiple “security screenings” before I could get to my appointments and the waiting rooms had been spread out so that you weren’t able to sit next to anyone. It was weird. During my sonogram, I was told I may be able to FaceTime Aaron but my tech said no. I said I understood and then tears rolled down my face as she began the sonogram and I saw the twins little faces. I know some women always go to appointments by themselves, but I don’t. Aaron always comes and would never miss a sonogram. This is our last pregnancy and he was pretty devastated that he couldn’t come or even be involved.  It was still amazing to see our babies, ensure that they were healthy and get confirmation there were no bleeds, but it was also just... different.... lonely.

When I met with my doctors, that’s when I lost it. I asked about my Fetal Blood Sampling and my C-section dates. We talked about it and when I asked about Aaron coming into the operating room with me, I was met with shaky eye contact and “Sorry, no.” When I inquired as to why, I was told if I was delivering vaginally, Aaron could be there but since it was a C-section in an OR, he couldn’t be by my side.  I was a blubbering mess and I was having a hard time keeping it together. I asked how that was fair, explaining that a c-section for me isn’t a choice, it’s a necessity and the only answer I got was that they couldn’t waste any PPE on him due to nationwide shortages. I could tell my doctors felt awful having this conversation with me. I asked if I secured the PPE for him if he’d be able to be with me and see his last babies being born. The answer was “I don’t know.” My babies will most likely go to the NICU for monitoring after delivery and because I’m getting my tubes tied, I was told they would help me look at them but I wouldn’t be able to hold them until I met them in the NICU.  Aaron wouldn’t be there to hold them next to me and we wouldn’t share that moment together. It would be a stranger to hold them first and I would get a glimpse.  As I tried to hold it together, I prayed that maybe things would change by then... and I dreaded talking to Aaron about it.

When I left my appointment, I met Aaron in the pick-up loop and as soon as I got into the car, I lost it again. Through my unintelligible blubbering, Aaron was reassuring me that whatever happened it would be okay, but he was also very upset. Seeing him upset just made me even more sad and honestly, mad.  It may seem dramatic, especially with the way the world is right now, but it felt like we were being robbed of our last delivery, of the moments that follow. The ones you remember always.  We wouldn’t be together and we would possibly have to meet them separately in the NICU. We both pray and hope that this is not the way it will go when the time comes and we continue to try to stay positive.

A good friend of mine told me something that has resonated with me and I’ve thought about it a lot. She said, “I hope you let yourself mourn the expectation of what you thought your birth experience would be. Don’t let anyone tell you some bright side BS.”  So, I’m going to put this out to all of my pregnant friends. Yes, the world has big problems right now. You might feel selfish for being upset about missing out on “normal” pregnancy things, but you shouldn’t. You are allowed to mourn what you imagined your pregnancy or birth to be. You’ll never get these moments back. Should you feel grateful for your health and your family’s health? Yes. Should you feel blessed to have a home and all the comforts that come along with it to quarantine in? Yes. Should you feel guilty for wishing it was different? No. You are allowed to have sad, mad or unidentifiable feelings about your situation without taking away from the seriousness of this pandemic. But know this; you are strong. You are making a human from scratch, and even if you feel like it, you are not alone. I am with you. We can do this.

My Fetal Blood Sample is scheduled for Monday, May 18th & my C-section during the week following that. I will keep those interested updated. As always, thank you for supporting our family, especially now. Sending you our love.❤️